How to Rock Out a Swimsuit in The Hamptons, Part II

photo: Joshua Franzos

Beaches and pools and tennis courts oh my. The Hamptons are a luxurious and beautiful spot on this earth, no doubt. Green grass and green hedges rim every. single. house. beach shack. or mansion.You'd think and you'd expect the sounds would match the venue. Perhaps you'll hear the surf crashing on the shore, or tennis balls ponging on courts, or perhaps ice cubes tinkling in drinking glasses, right? Wrong. Sun up to sun down, you hear the omnipresent WUUUURRRRR of gasoline powered hedge trimmers, lawn mowers, and leaf blowers, because miles of beautiful hedges aren't going to trim themselves.Or at least that was our experience. If you've ever seen the movie It Follows, it was like that for us, but instead of creepy ghost zombies following us, it was landscaping noises. Everywhere. And when the noise stopped, we took collective sighs of relief. I will note that we arrived in The Hamptons eight days before The Season officially kicked off. Perhaps the rich people have the landscaping taken care of before they arrive, so that all they hear are the ice cubes and tennis balls. 

There are some good things about arriving before The Season. Less crowds. Less traffic. And the fact that we didn't technically have to get any beach permits. If you are ever planning on an East Coast beach vacation, figure those beach permits out well in advance of your trip because they lock that shit down tight during The Season. Bureaucracy is sexy fun times isn't it?

photo: Joshua Franzos

Speaking of sexy fun times. How about this hat? I found it on Amazon and WOW. It made me think of Slash going to the beach, or the Playboy Mansion. It made Josh think of a scarecrow and Isaac Chroner, the Children of the Corn demonic child preacher. However way you weave it, it's an intense hat that intensely keeps the sun off your face and has a lot of rock and roll and/or creepy cult spirit. 

photo: Joshua Franzos

Since this is a highly accessorized look, it's perfect for pool parties. Especially for those that like to dip into pools to cool off, but don't really immerse themselves. (Hi! that's me.) Chlorine makes my allergies act up. I'd like to bullet point that this bikini is really very modest, so again, great for a pool parties because then you don't feel awkward and other people don't feel awkard about FLESH. Let's face it, wearing swimsuits next to colleagues, co-workers, or lil Timmy's Mom and Dad that you've only met from PTA meetings but are somehow mutual friends of someone else....can be off-putting. But that stops with you. The only thing that should make other people feel awkward at a pool party is this hat, or that time someone asked you where you got that beer, and you replied, "all things are given by He Who Walks Behind The Rows." (a joke very few people will get)

photo: Joshua Franzos

What I Wore:

Hat: Raffia hat from Amazon, here.

Sunnies: Ray-Ban aviators.

Bikini: Dokotoo from Amazon for $24.99, here. 

Bag: French market bag from Amazon, here.

Sandals: Gap from Thred-up. 

Bracelets: gifted Chanel, and vintage leather watch band.

Leopard and Gold Chain Scarf: un-labeled:( sourced on Thred-up.  
Beach/Pool Read: Philistines at the Hedgerow: Passion and Property in the Hamptons by Steven Gaines, here.

photo: Joshua Franzos

photo: Joshua Franzos

Note on this swimsuit: (I'm wearing a size medium for reference. I initially ordered a small. Overall, the swimsuit bottoms have a lot of butt coverage (more than I'm used to). The small bottoms fit, but were a little snug on my cheeks, cutting the meat of my hinder into quarters (not a flattering look) so I returned it and ordered the next size up. The medium bottoms were less "butt quartering," but still quartered a bit (an acceptable amount for $24.99 bikini) but then I thought the waist was slightly loose. This would probably be a perfect bikini option for a person with a "column body shape" - Long, lean people that don't have much curves or a waist. I really don't have much of a butt (working on my glute gains tho!) so I wonder if the butt quartering is what happens when you venture into granny bottom territory or if it is exclusive to this swimsuit. Can anyone relate? and sorry, no pics of ma butt.

photo: Joshua Franzos

photo: Joshua Franzos

So, prime days. I was tempted by the instant pot, but I think I want to try this IPL (intense pulsed light) laser hair removal and photo rejuvenation device. As I get older, I seem to get more and more ingrown hairs which are leaving scars because my skin isn't rejuvenating as quickly anymore. Especially the old lady hairs I get on my chin. So annoying. This little device has the laser hair removal feature and a red light therapy attachment which helps minimize scars, sun damage, wrinkles, etc.

Are you a prime member? What deals are you getting today?

Your Bosom Friend in Pittsburgh, 

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How to Rock Out a Swimsuit in The Hamptons, Part I

photo: Joshua Franzos

West Coast, Best Coast. Or at least that's what I say when I'm on the West Coast, but not because it is. I was born there. I have to say it. It's a vicious little earwig. Do you also get words and phrases stuck in your head like me? Then there's East Coast, Beast Coast (that's not actually something anyone says, but it's rattling around in my head now too.) I love the west coast and I love an east coast summer vacation on Long Island. Can I call myself bi-coastal, like the cool jet-set crowd? In reality, East and West Coasts are so different that they're really not even comparable. But as long as there's a coast involved, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Since this is a three part series on The Hamptons, let's start talking about the East Coast. I love it for its history, its old buildings, lighthouses, regional ways of cooking, and decorating, and doing.

For instance. Those cedar shingled beach homes that have turned grey from the salt in the air. Blue hydrangea blossoms the size of dessert plates and tall ornamental grass gardens that make the most delicious hiss and swish in the westerly winds. Produce is bought fresh from farm stands, sea food from fish mongers, everything is prepared at home and it's nothing fancy. Just simply and honestly prepared fare, the fresh ingredients speak for themselves.There are revolutionary war estates to tour, vineyards to stop at, salt marshes to explore from a stand-up paddle board. Heaven if you ask me.

This past January, after Meatball came home from a week's stay in the hospital we were drained. Josh and I wanted so badly to catch a break and make sure Meatball was healthy and happy. Which meant, let's do a summer vacation with the dogs this year. I tried to find an affordable airbnb home to rent in North Fork, like we normally would, but there just weren't any in our price range. The same thing happened last year. (What is going on NOFO?) I did however find some great airbnb options in The Hamptons (the southern fork of Long Island). I found a home that was near the Atlantic Ocean, had a pool, allowed dogs, and was chicly decorated. We'll get to explore The Hamptons! I said. Josh nodded wearily, so I booked it and we kept our heads buried in work until it was time to vacay all day.

We drove through the Hampton's once before. It was a day trip while we were staying in North Fork. I remember a ton of traffic and pretty much every fancy pants store you can find in Manhattan being there. A lot of conspicuous wealth. $2000 straw handbags instead of $10 straw hand bags. Blue Blood Old Money Nautical Prep on steroids. Everything is expensive. The median house sale in The Hamptons is $11.9 million. Fish tacos from a food truck are $17. Two small tacos. no sides. Just two verrry small tacos. $17.Traffic.Rose. Montauk Pearls. Lobster rolls. The Hamptons.

In my non-vacation life, I've been overturning, re-thinking, re-mixing my wardrobe lately. Trying to get to the core of what it is to be and look like me. In an older blog post, I mentioned "subversive prep" as a look I sometimes strive to achieve. All the striped french sailor shirts (I must have at least 6), my gold boat shoes, and Ralph Lauren button downs attest to it. I've also been adding some rock and roll leanings back into my daily attire to make it louche-r and more authentically me. I wanted this for my vacation wardrobe too. As far as vacation wardrobe planning went, I planned to either be: in or around the pool, drinking rose in or around the pool, stand-up paddle-boarding in the bay, feeling the violent waves of the ocean smash against my legs, or in the kitchen making food (probably) still in my swimsuit.Translation: Bringing all the swimsuits! and then some more.

photo: Joshua Franzos

 

photo: Joshua Franzos

For my first swimsuit look, I decided to try a litte bit of East Coast, a little bit of West Coast.
I must ask you. Is there a swimsuit more West Coast than a Baywatch red one piece? I think not. How do we make it old school rock and roll? With a mix tape floatie of course. Back in the 90's, making Maxwell mix tapes with handwritten song lists was my love language. I kinda miss it. Now for the East Coast element. Yeah, what makes it East Coast? The glass of Wolfer Estate Rose 2018 I'm drinking. In a plastic wine glass of course. Pool Rules: NO GLASS BY THE POOL. NO RUNNING. NO POOPING IN THE...oops... excuse me, GTG I have some Dog mom doodies to attend to.

Photo: Joshua Franzos

Where'd it go?

What I wore:

Swimsuit: ASOS Design, on sale for $16 here.

Visor: $7.99 on Amazon, here.

Sunnies: Royal Girl, $16.99 on Amazon, here. 

Pool Floatie: Maxchill instead of Maxwell, get it? $45, here.

Poop Bags: Frisco, 900, +2 dispensers for $14, here. 

Your Bosom Friend from Pittsburgh,

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