Mrs. Franzos: December 2017

red tights, patent leather brogues, american in paris

photo: Joshua Franzos

People that know me sometimes call me morbid. But that's not entirely accurate because I do not, "have an abnormal or unhealthy fascination with death." Even in the best of times, I do have a natural inclination towards being what I can only describe as, sepulchral. Not morose, not gloomy, not melancholic, nor sullen, nor cheerless. Sepulchral, of relating to the tomb, as in, quite aware of my own mortality. I can be full of joy too, at the same time even, but these are the limitations I have to describe my character in the English language. The knowledge of my death makes my life all the sweeter. Not because I want to die, but because I know death is inevitable, therefore time is limited, therefore I focus on what I want to see and accomplish, and on the people and activities that add joy and meaning to my life. The realization of all this and getting to share my life with Josh has made me my most happiest and realized self yet.

photo: Joshua Franzos

However, this fall has been a hard one for me. I lost two friends. Big ones. I was sure I had some years ahead of me before my pack started thinning. I was so very wrong.Their deaths were both shockingly sudden. Months have gone by and I'm still reeling. I haven't just been sepulchral, I have been broody, sullen, uninspired, and not myself. My brain started to tick the boxes of depression symptoms. I knew it wasn't only the death of my friends, that was the straw. It was their deaths multiplied by everything else eating at me. Why can't I finish editing this book? Why can't I get pregnant like everyone else without spending a fortune? Why won't the puppy tell me when he has to go outside? Why won't taxes do themselves? Why can't I shake this cold that I've had for 6 weeks? Where did all my savings go? Why can't I shed this layer of fat? Why do all of the things in our house have to break at the same time? WHY CAN'T REPAIRMEN COME DURING TIMES THAT WORK FOR YOU SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE VACATION TIME??? And on and on. The moral here is, we're all sensitive creatures, stuff adds up, and sometimes life just takes an unsolicited shit on your chest.

photo: Joshua Franzos

dior purse, patent leather purse, quilted purse

photo: Joshua Franzos

photo: Joshua Franzos

Fashion blogging was so beyond the reach of my grief and anxiety, that it was trivial in comparison. This is at odds with the spirit of the blogger sporting season, a.k.a The Holidays, when we spur the economy with gift guides and perpetuate the fantasy of all the parties that happen this time of year that require party wear. (I'll assume all my invitations to said parties got lost in the mail). In short, I wasn't feeling it, I just couldn't deal with it, so I didn't.

photo: Joshua Franzos

But I had to start putting the slippery slope of my mental health into check. I've compartmentalized my fertility issues into a Gringott's vault, to be picked up later. I'm seeing my old friend Ritalin to get me out my rut. I've picked up Sun Basket to help relieve some of my anxiety and lack of inspiration around healthy meal planning/ennui of grocery shopping. After finally kicking an epic upper respiratory infection to the curb, I'm exercising regularly again. We're checking the annoying adult and house stuff off our list. We put up a Christmas tree and a menorah. I'm editing. I'm writing a writing blog. I'm relishing the small pleasures: a kiss on the back of the neck from my husband, a puppy catching snowflakes in his mouth, a friend stopping by with quail eggs from his flock, a manuscript that is under 100k words. And just recently, I had the itch to think about fashion again. But not my usual drab grays , blacks, and neutrals. I found the stuff in my closet that sang and popped and twirled because even though I can still cry at the drop of a hat right now, there is so much joy in the world, life is such a joy to live, but ironically, it's quite easy to get lost in the shadowy valley sometimes. I'm not the first, you won't be the last. If you've lost someone recently or are feeling sad or hopeless for other reasons, I want you take that first step towards helping and nurturing yourself. Ain't no shame in it. I hope that you will endeavor to re-center yourself this season and new year, and like me, find your way back to the Joie de Vivre.